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As I ponder and reflect on my Cocaine Bear moviegoing experience I am left with feelings of shock, relief and perplexity. Yet, above all is an overwhelming and uneasy belief that this experience didn’t quite happen. As if my mind has somehow triggered a self-defense mechanism in order to convince myself that what I experienced was nothing more than a strange and surreal fever dream. And it a sense, it kind of was. I was never in any actual danger, although mentally I was there.
Monday February 25th, 2023. It was around 10pm and I was at a DKA event which was coming to an end. I was tired and had some work to do for my 10am Production Design class the following day, so I wasn’t really planning on watching Cocaine Bear. However, at the function, Kart was doing his best to talk me into it. Suddenly watching Cocaine Bear at the The Outlets at Orange at 10:45pm started to sound enticing. We tried to get other people to come too, but for some strange reason no other student wanted to go watch Cocaine Bear at 10:45pm at The Outlets at Orange on a Monday night, so it was just me and him.
Kart drove, and in the car we talked about what we expected from the Cocaine Bear film. I was optimistic, as a movie about a bear doing cocaine and going on a rampage did sound like a good idea. Kart was also excited. Neither of us knew what was in store for us. Once we got there we each took a 10mg gummy in the parking lot, because you can’t really watch Cocaine Bear sober can you? We were a bit short on time, and the walk from the parking lot to the AMC was a journey in its own right (as are all things at The Outlets at Orange really) so we decided to run to the theater. The night was chilly, and there was a slight drizzle of the rain. As I ran through the outlets, with Kart alongside me, I felt wind on my face, breathed in cold damp air and fully expected this to be the most memorable and alive I would feel that night.
We finally got to the theater. We bought a large popcorn to share and I got a little bag of original M&Ms. We sat in the center of the third to last row, and after paying our respects to Nicole Kidman, started the movie. The movie was a bit strange. The title card reveal was admittedly pretty cool, since it did feature the titular Cocaine Bear, but I mostly just found myself angry at the film. It followed that ever present and nagging trend where movies are dead set on having human characters. I wanted to watch Cocaine Bear, but was instead bombarded with an ensamble cast of humans I did not care for at all. Han Solo sat at a bar eating salsa-less penne pasta and saying he was sad or something, there was a subplot involving two preteens doing kid stuff, and I was just sitting there thinking where the fuck is the bear? I want to see the bear, and I want to see the cocaine. Just when the kid subplot started to pick up, as both children found some of the cocaine, the entire energy of the theater and the room completely and instantly changed.
White smoke began to come in from the right hand entrance of the theater, and I could have sworn I heard a little smoke grenade drop to the floor roll over as the smoke came in. When I first noticed it, my dumb initial thought was is this some kind of 4DX thing? That thought didn’t last though, as it was quickly followed by the realization of where I was: The Outlets at Orange at 11:00ish pm on a Monday night. Mass theater shootings were actually a common occurrence in this country, and I was convinced I was currently a part of one. My heart sank, and I don’t actually remember getting up from my seat, it all just feels like a big blur. One second I was sitting and noticing the white smoke, and the next I was running down the lefthand stairs. There was popcorn everywhere, and I hadn’t seen that much chaos and panic in a long time. It was pretty clear at this point that the collective thought every moviegoer had was: there is a shooter in the room. I genuinely thought I was about to die watching Cocaine Bear at the amc30 at The Outlets at Orange.
People were loosing their shit, and there was one person who jumped from the top row to the exit below. People were sprinting and running towards the left side of the theater, and I was trying to get as far away from the smoke as I possibly could. I wasn’t really thinking, I was just acting. I got on top of the stair railing and considered jumping down to the exit below, but ultimately decided not to, instead continuing down the stairs, completely glued to the left handrail. I was about halfway down when I began to see memories, moments, and faces which had played big roles in my life. I guess the idea of seeing your life flash before your eyes has some truth to it. I couldn’t ride the nostalgia train for long though, as I knew what was happening and began to fight it. I would not embrace death, not now. I shut down my mind and dove head first into survival mode. Because while I was initially convinced I was going to die watching Cocaine Bear at the Outlets at Orange, I set that thought aside and instead became determined, as I convinced myself that I wasn’t going to die like this. I understood the scenario I was in, and I was going to be a survivor. It was in that moment that I noticed a person running across the front of the theater towards the emergency exit, which was beside the big screen at the very front. With this exit as my goal, I sprinted down the stairs.
When I got down to the ground floor, I turned back and felt a brief sense of relief seeing Kart right behind me. As I looked up I saw the whole scene from down there, a big chunk of the audience had remained completely frozen in their seats. I couldn’t tell if they were shocked, stunned, or had simply given up without even trying. A sense of sadness came over me seeing just how helpless and defeated everyone looked up there. I quickly turned around and faced my exit. At this point, a group of crouchers were slowly making their way to the exit, sticking to the walls and moving at a steady yet slow pace so as not to be detected. Kart and I joined the group, and we made our way to the exit. Before I knew it we were out in the parking lot, with the door closed behind us. We all sort of stood there for a second and had a little post traumatic bonding thing going.
None of us understood what had happened. One of the guys in the group said it was probably some prankster, but for the most part we all sort of just collectively agreed that we hadn’t been in any real danger, since there had yet to be gun shots heard. After standing in the moist concrete for a bit we decided to go back to the amc and check in on what had actually happened. We went to the backdoor of the theater and were initially being refused entry by one of their employees, but then a cop saw us from inside and opened the door. He just asked Theater 25? we nodded, and the cop explained that a fire extinguisher had gone off, hence the white smoke. We were led back into the theater, which was now mostly empty and half filled with the fire extinguisher smoke. Kart and I sat back down in our seats, processing the whole thing and fully expecting to finish the movie. I also couldn’t find my sealed bag of M&M’s which I was planning on opening and consuming during the second act of the film. An amc employee told us we had to leave and couldn’t stay to finish Cocaine Bear. The show was canceled he said. I gave one last look under my seat in hopes of finding my precious M&M’s but alas they weren’t there. I gave up, and Kart and I walked down. There was so much popcorn, literally all over the theater and every step we took was loud. I felt bad for whoever had the duty of cleaning. About three fourths of the way down the stairs, amidst the yellow popped corn I saw the familiar brown bag of M&Ms, they had traveled all the way to the other side of the theater during the chaos that unfolded. I picked them up relieved.
Back at the amc30 lobby, Kart and I were each given a voucher for a free movie. The entire Theater 25 Cocaine Bear populous was there, some of them look distressed, others relieved, some unfazed. As we waited in line Kart took a selfie of us both, the only photograph I have of the night.
We left the theater and went to eat Canes. Kart and I didn’t talk much in the car, or while we ate chicken. We were both a bit shell shocked, and couldn’t really grasp what had happened. But it was good that we got food, as it really did help us process and digest the whole thing.
The amc30 at the outlers at Orange never disappoint. I went into full on survival mode, and experienced feelings I hadn’t had a in a while. Although the whole ordeal lasted like a minute at most, it felt longer. Kart told me he was impressed by my running, as it paled in comparison to the light jog we both did when we first arrived at The Outlets at Orange. I don’t think I had ever felt so much adrenaline before. It feels bizzare to say out loud or even type this, but I did straight up think I was going to die watching Cocaine Bear.
It has now been a month since, and there are times when I still think back and see the images of that night. The images are often followed by a strange feeling that I would describe as almost an imposter syndrome type thing, where I feel guilty because I was never in any actual danger, and I almost feel like I have no right to victimize myself or make a big deal about it. There wasn’t a shooter in the room, nobody died, physically there wasn’t any threat. I can only imagine what someone who has lived through an actual shooting is left with. But alas, these are memories that have and will remain with me. In that moment, during that night, I was mentally there, and even if I later realized I was safe all along, the feelings and survival instincts were still experienced. It was quite the moviegoing night.
My amc30 free movie voucher along with my sealed bag of M&M’s live pinned to the wall of my bedroom as a reminder of this most strange and unexpected night.
